baby

This dream I had last night was kind of graphic and morbid. I hate when I wake up with that feeling of something terrible and emotional happening. It was a very long and consuming dream. I will try to remember as much of it as possible.

The first thing I remember is that I had given birth and the baby was at the hospital in the NICU. I was driving down Boones Ferry Rd toward my parents house and I got a call from my sister-in-law, Monica saying she got my message about the baby being sick, but she didn't know the baby died. My heart dropped! I gasped and couldn't get another breath. I also didn't know the baby had died. All I could do was pull into my parents driveway and sob like I have never cried before in my life. It was an all consuming, breath-taking sob that I could not control.

At some point I had been trying to get a hold of Will, but he wasn't answering and I was told that he drove to NYC to attend a church ward meeting. I was so upset! When I did finally talk to him I told him the whole series of events right up until Monica called and said she didn't know the baby was dead. He said "WHAT?!"

Then I was at the hospital and I was crying and yelling and the nurses at the station in labor an delivery wouldn't tell me where the baby was. Then one of them started crying and told me quietly that the baby was on the 7th floor in the nursery. I got on an elevator and my mom was there comforting me. That elevator was the slowest I have ever been on and I couldn't figure out why we weren't getting there. Then I realized that it had been going down instead of up and it was going WAY down. We finally picked up some old lady and then it started going up. When we reached the 7th floor, I went into the nursery saying, "I am Brinlee Erickson's mom, where is she" (Brinlee??). They handed me this framed plaque thing that had her picture and a bunch of cards and stuff signed. They were avoiding telling me where she was. There were rows and rows of baby bassinettes full of little babies. Then they pointed to this metal counter with a sink and there was a teeny tiny little brand newborn baby laying there on it's side and it was naked. As I ran over, I noticed they had covered the baby with saran wrap and the side of her little face was pressed against the plastic. I was freaking out! I was crying and screaming and dying inside. I asked my friend, who was suddenly there with me (it was either Taryn or Dotty) if she had a camera because I forgot mine and I wanted pictures. The baby did look like Brinlee, but I ended calling her by different names throughout the dream. I told the nurse that I wanted to hold her and they said no. I went to grab the baby and she said "NO!" we have to fix her first. When I looked back down there was this heavy metal thing twisted like a spring coil around her body with THICK screws sticking out all over. Some guy came over with an electric saw and started shaving the screws off and ended up shaving parts of the babies hair off. I was upset that they ruined her hair because I wanted to take some pictures. When they handed her to me I was smiling and crying and hugging her. I was carrying her around talking and singing. Then I realized that the baby kept making little noises and her eyes were fluttering. I went to the nurse and told her and she said "No, honey, sometimes grieving parents want to see movements, but she's gone". I was insisting that I heard her to anyone that would listen, then she opened her eyes and started cooing at me. She was saying "mamamama" (a newborn?). I showed the nurse and the baby stopped, but she was breathing and the nurse grabbed her and checked her. The nurse was moving so slow like she didn't believe it and didn't want to admit that she made a mistake. I said, "You know I hope that she doesn't have brain damage now from your little saran wrap stunt" and she said really quietly "yeah, me too".

Then Will and my dad showed up and my dad hugged me. (END)